A lot of my views on things have been changing in this relationship. I've grown up in two worlds at the same time. I went to a New Age church while I was growing up and I also went to a Christian school. I've heard very strict religious views on boys, relationships, and sex. I've also heard "follow your heart", "if it feels right", and "as long as it's special." I've also had some solid wisdom spoken to me, but with all these different perspectives it has been really hard to figure out the truth.
I've listened to a lot of sermons on singleness, dating, and marriage. I realized coming out of my last relationship that I really knew nothing. Now, I've got some idea of what's right but living it out is so much different.
All that to say, the other night, Joey and I were kissing.
Pause: I don't know where everyone stands on kissing. I don't have a rule to follow here. I told Joey the other day that I tell my accountability every time we make out. Do you know what he said?
If it can't be brought into the light we can't see it for what it is. So in the light, kissing right now seems to be okay. If something changes, you'll all know it. So if you don't like it, I'm sorry but I'm being honest and I'm learning.
Okay so we're kissing and we stop. And something I said to him (because I want to encourage the good God things in him) was "I love that you respect me" and then it hit me... "and you want me!". That was like a revelation to me. Listen, I've had a lot of relationships, too many really... I'll write about that eventually. But I've never had these two things together. If a guy wanted me physically, he didn't respect me. If a guy respected me, he didn't want me. Honestly, praise God for the later but either way I felt used and rejected.
So I'm trying to weed through all these "truths" that I've heard. And I thought that a good Christian would be in a committed respect-filled relationship. But desire? Forget about it. Desire had ruled my life and as far as I was concerned, it was the problem. Desire must be worldly, right? That's where I heard about it most. I didn't realize this till the other night, but in my mind, Christian's had holy relationships with no desire and not a lot of fun. What a lie.
It's hard for me to see things clearly for myself, so I usually pick a friend I love and ask the question- what would I want for them? Would I want my friend, beautifully and wonderfully made, to be in a relationship where they are not wanted? Of course not. Well I'm a good friend but God is the best friend. He wanted me to be wanted while also being respected. And I am, and it's not a sin. I guess it makes sense, but I couldn't believe it for myself. Not until now. Now it's a reality. Praise God.
Okay, one more thing... Desire isn't a bad thing, but (like most things) it could be. Praise God, but also... honor Him. All the freedom I have from sexual immorality is only possible because I ran the other way. I ran into the arms of my Father where it was safe. So I don't really want to list a bunch of rules, mostly because I don't think I would follow them. As I figure out what all this looks like, you will be along for the ride. I want to be wise, but I also don't want to be fearful. And most of all, I want to listen to God.