First Kiss

I didn't want to kiss until my wedding day. I thought it was because I valued purity. I thought it was the only way to make it to my wedding day. I didn't want to kiss because I wanted to be different. I wanted to prove God had healed me. Something I'm learning, is God doesn't need me to prove anything. He cares about my authenticity in each moment more than whether I look like a "good" christian to the people around me. There's a different between looking like a good christian and being one. When I looked at Joey last night, I wanted to kiss him. Last week I told him I wouldn't kiss until my wedding day. He agreed to it, because he loves me. And love doesn't need kisses... it just likes them a lot. Last night I wanted to kiss Joey... I told him I did. Would it be so bad? No it wouldn't... but it could be. In the past, if something went wrong, I would write the whole experience off.

Last night, Joey and I kissed. It was great and magical and sweet. Honestly, it made me thank God. And then... something changed. If I was hiding I could say it was JUST kissing. But the important thing is the heart behind it. And my heart changed to selfish motives along the way. Eventually, Joey stopped things. Praise really. We untangled ourselves and prayed. I was starting to feel ashamed but thankfully sometimes Joey can read the thoughts in my mind by looking in my eyes. He reminded me that Jesus is not as bent out of shape about our sins as we are. He reminded me that we are in process and though there was a mistake, it was rooted in a beautiful thing. Joey sees the beautiful positive things where I tend to be afraid. As I drove away that night, I was able to forsake shame and think clearly. God really showed me in this situation that shame doesn't serve me. Because I was able to think clearly I was able to properly evaluate my feelings and motives. What I wanted was to move forward and be wise. Fear wanted me to stay sitting in my guilt and shame. Jesus (through Joey) showed me there was another way. I've never walked away from a mistake with a clear view of reality without being crippled by shame. And I'm so grateful because I feel like I'm allowed to join Jesus in His victory.

Okay okay, practically? How do we stick to loving each other selflessly? I'm going to get really blunt here. Everyone knows when they're horny. If you don't, you probably aren't living in reality. The point is, being turned on does not have to be a bad thing. It's the vehicle to get you to something made specifically and beautifully to join you to your spouse. But let's remember song of Solomon...  don't awaken love till it's time. So, for me, kissing is sweet. But making out, that's when my mouth gets to busy to praise Jesus name. Getting kisses on my neck or whispers in my ear, that turns me on too. That's all I can say with certainty. Everybody is different but I'm sure I'm not alone. So to wrap up-  don't set boundaries to prove something, if we can forsake shame then we can shine light on our mistakes and that will bring about change, and stay away from getting turned on until your wedding day.