Last night I had a hard conversation with a friend. She was really upset that she wasn't part of my decision to jump into this relationship. She doesn’t like how fast Joey and I are taking things. She thinks calling someone my boyfriend is a really big commitment and saying I love you is ridiculous. I know she's worried about my heart. She wants me to take steps back. She wants me to be wise. I want to be wise too, and when she asked me to define love and boyfriend I told her I didn't know. I'm not sure how to explain to her that I don't have definitions for these things but I know God was with me in the decision and I have peace. I don't believe I need to take steps back because the steps forward I made in certainty. I'm not trying to hide, I don't want to live in a fantasy. In the past when I tried to run away from reality I never had peace. Wisdom is a spiritual gift that has been spoken over me my whole life, and so even when I couldn't define my mistake I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I knew I was hiding. I'm not hiding anymore. I got to talk to Joey last night which was sweet. I told him I'd had a hard day. It was so cool because he sympathized but he didn't try to make it all okay. That conversation kind of sucked, and I didn't feel like he was trying to fix it for me. He didn't reassure me that we were doing the right thing. I get to decide if it's the right thing for me. Also, I asked him if we said I love you too fast and he said the most amazing thing- "I dont know". Wow, look at that uncertainty. I love it, there is so much room for faith in that honesty. There's also so much peace. I don't know either, and I wish I could logically explain more for the people that care about me. I think my feelings hold as much weight in this situation as wikipedia does on a college essay. And that's hard.
But who cares about my logic anyways?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 NIV
A tool that I heard... in a sermon probably. To test the spirits and see what's of God and what isn't comes from Galatians 5:19-23.
Wow this is good, I'm so glad God reminded me. In this passage we see the fruits of the flesh and of the Spirit. I first looked at this when I was trying to discern with a friend between pastors and doctrine and church agendas. Who's right, who's godly? It's kind of an exhausting conversation. But I had a lot of peace when it was revealed to me... we could debate theology all day but what fruits do you see? Is there unity or dissension? Harsh words or gentleness? Amazing, it gave me so much peace. I don't think me and Joey have all the fruits of the Spirit down, part of being in a relationship is about maturing. But I look at the fruits of the flesh and we are not participating. I'm learning a lot already about love and peace. I'm learning how to act out of faith too. I'm certain that my lessons in self control and patience are just beginning and I'm equally excited and also not at the same time. I think that's the test, are we looking more like Jesus? Christians always want rules and guidelines, and for good reason, they want to do it right. But what does doing it right even mean? There's not a secret perfect formula to dating... part of me wishes there was. But relying on Jesus and learning how to listen to the Holy Spirit is exciting.
As I think about leading younger people and teaching them, I hate that I don't have a plan or some perfect rule to live by and teach. But I'm learning to live in the uncertainty that brings about peace and amazing worship filled moments with my King. So for now, "I don't know" is a great place to be.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord ’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21 NIV